why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
