I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I think your dad took our porno
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
