I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Dicks are not precious.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
