Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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