My hand turned me down
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
