my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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