i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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