I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
