I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
