I swear she didn't look like that last week.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize