I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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