You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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