An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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