I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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