A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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