My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
3pm strippers are depressing
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
