ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
