Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
