That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
