There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
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