I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
