Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
