you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize