I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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