this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
