dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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