Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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