How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
