There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
