Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
