i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
pop tarts are not kleenex
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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