I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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