just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
