Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
