actually, I'm a sock model
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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