Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
