This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
worst night to have a conscience
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
