First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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