I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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