in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
