i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize