you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
