I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
