So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Randomize
