Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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