I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
