did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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