The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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