Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
