just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
The maid of honor just puked.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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