I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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