Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize