My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
