the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
