I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize