He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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