you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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