You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize