Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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