just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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