I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
