Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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