I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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