Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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