So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
