yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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