Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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