last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
