Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
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